Marriage and Choice

Covenant relationships are an uncommon thing in our culture - many people don't even know what the word means. It sounds so old-fashioned. We're used to contracts - relationships that benefit me, usually without a real person on the other end, that I can get out of if I find a better offer. And we've heard the phrase "friends with benefits" frequently, which is a kind of anti-marriage - the sex without the commitment, which gives me freedom to use the "friendship" however I want, or until it doesn't benefit me anymore. No wonder marriages are breaking so frequently. We've been set up for it.

Jesus' view on marriage is a little different. If you marry a divorced woman, Jesus says, you're committing adultery with them. If you divorce your wife, you're causing them to commit adultery. Yes it's that strong. According to the Bible, the basic rule is "One person for life."

There's an escape clause if your spouse has been unfaithful, and I would add abuse to that too. Sadly this happens. But for most people it's not some kind of tragic event that drives them apart. I would argue that at the heart it's just selfishness. Because in our culture, selfishness is seen as a good thing. Keep your options open, our culture says. Something better might come along, or you might need to back out. Just do it now while it benefits you. You're worth it. Stay free.

One person for life? You can hear the objections already. What if I stop loving them? What if they get boring? What if an opportunity comes up and I'm tied down? What if they've got issues? What if their personality starts to annoy me? What if it stops me doing the things I like? "For life" is such a long time - who can really promise something that far in advance? Life happens, you know. Things change. And on and on....

We've heard them all so many times that we've started to believe them. It sounds like truth.

It's not.

Covenant relationships acknowledge that things won't always be good, that different life pathways will present themselves, that better things might come up, that the romance will go up and down and sometimes I won't be able to stand being in the same room as you, that at times you'll be boring, angry, depressed, anxious, annoying, obnoxious, irritating, unattractive, exasperating. But even if all of that happens in the same week, I am still committed to you and I will be for the rest of our lives.

I'm yours for life, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, til death do us part. Those words were written before covenant relationships faded out of our culture.

I want to bring them back. I hope you'll join me. For marriages, and also for friendships. Long-term, unselfish commitment, whatever happens. It's things like this that will change the world.

(Read Mark Sayers' book, "The Road Trip that Changed the World," for some more in-depth thoughts on these subjects, and a more intensive perspective on our culture.)