The Four Spaces of Belonging

Here's something I've found helpful for thinking about mission, networks, relationships and community: The Four Spaces of Belonging. The ideas come from Joseph Myers' book "The Search to Belong," about the ways that people connect. And here they are....

First there is the Public Space. This is a large-scale shared experience, where you feel you are part of a great number of people on the same wavelength, but you are still free to remain anonymous if you choose. E.g. A shared worship experience in a big church, a footy game, a movie theatre, a forum for Commodore or Mac owners, St Paddy's Day...

Next is Social Space. This is where we cluster around a common interest or focus (e.g. a BBQ, local pub, workplace, school event, party or function). Here you connect on a superficial level, sharing snapshots of yourself - who I am, what I enjoy, where I live, where I work... This is a natural space to be introduced to new people, ideas, invites - a great springboard to the other spaces.

A little more intimate is our Personal Space. This is a smaller group of our friends and family, close work colleagues, mums group, etc. Here we know each other well and share more privately, reflect together on faith, share our lives, pray for one another, care for one another. Jesus had this connection with his twelve disciples.

And finally there is our Intimate Space. This is only shared with a few people - our spouse and one or two close friends. These people know us as we really are - the good and the ugly. In this space we feel safe and secure to share the naked truth about ourselves, what we think, what we struggle with - the deepest parts of ourselves. Jesus shared some things only with his closest friends - Peter, James and John.

The idea is that healthy community is a combination of all of these spaces, not just the deep, intimate ones. So you're in danger if you're connecting in the public space but not anywhere more personal. And you're also missing out if you connect in deep intimate relationships but avoid larger settings where you might run in to new people.

Churches have tended to view the deep, personal settings (like accountability groups, one-to-one discipleship and mentoring) as the places where spiritual growth happens and so have worked to push people towards the inner spaces. Myers calls us to value each of the four spaces equally and recognise that God is active in shaping us at every level.

What about you? Which spaces do you feel most comfortable? Are there any that you're missing out on? What changes could you make so you can find a sense of belonging at every level?

Marriage and Choice

Covenant relationships are an uncommon thing in our culture - many people don't even know what the word means. It sounds so old-fashioned. We're used to contracts - relationships that benefit me, usually without a real person on the other end, that I can get out of if I find a better offer. And we've heard the phrase "friends with benefits" frequently, which is a kind of anti-marriage - the sex without the commitment, which gives me freedom to use the "friendship" however I want, or until it doesn't benefit me anymore. No wonder marriages are breaking so frequently. We've been set up for it.

Jesus' view on marriage is a little different. If you marry a divorced woman, Jesus says, you're committing adultery with them. If you divorce your wife, you're causing them to commit adultery. Yes it's that strong. According to the Bible, the basic rule is "One person for life."

There's an escape clause if your spouse has been unfaithful, and I would add abuse to that too. Sadly this happens. But for most people it's not some kind of tragic event that drives them apart. I would argue that at the heart it's just selfishness. Because in our culture, selfishness is seen as a good thing. Keep your options open, our culture says. Something better might come along, or you might need to back out. Just do it now while it benefits you. You're worth it. Stay free.

One person for life? You can hear the objections already. What if I stop loving them? What if they get boring? What if an opportunity comes up and I'm tied down? What if they've got issues? What if their personality starts to annoy me? What if it stops me doing the things I like? "For life" is such a long time - who can really promise something that far in advance? Life happens, you know. Things change. And on and on....

We've heard them all so many times that we've started to believe them. It sounds like truth.

It's not.

Covenant relationships acknowledge that things won't always be good, that different life pathways will present themselves, that better things might come up, that the romance will go up and down and sometimes I won't be able to stand being in the same room as you, that at times you'll be boring, angry, depressed, anxious, annoying, obnoxious, irritating, unattractive, exasperating. But even if all of that happens in the same week, I am still committed to you and I will be for the rest of our lives.

I'm yours for life, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, til death do us part. Those words were written before covenant relationships faded out of our culture.

I want to bring them back. I hope you'll join me. For marriages, and also for friendships. Long-term, unselfish commitment, whatever happens. It's things like this that will change the world.

(Read Mark Sayers' book, "The Road Trip that Changed the World," for some more in-depth thoughts on these subjects, and a more intensive perspective on our culture.)

Pastor Irene's Manifesto

Here's another part I loved from Eugene Peterson's The Pastor. I post these kinds of things so I can get back to them easily!

Peterson was facilitating a class with a group of soon-to-be-starting pastors. After a few days together, he asked one young lady who'd been quiet what she was thinking. This was her response, which Peterson called Pastor Irene's Manifesto. I want to make it mine too.

"When I get a congregation, I want to be a patient pastor. I want to have eyes to see and ears to hear what God is doing and saying in their lives. I don't want to judge them in terms of what I think they should be doing. I want to be a witness to what God is doing in their lives, not a schoolmistress handing out grades for how well they are doing something for God.

"I think I see something unique about being a pastor that I had never noticed: the pastor is the one person in the community who is free to take men and women seriously just as they are, appreciate them just as they are, give them the dignity that derives from being the 'image of God,' a God-created being who has eternal worth without having to prove usefulness or be good for anything. I know that I will be doing a lot of other things too, but I might be the only person who is free to do this.

"I don't want to be so impatient with the mess that I am not around to see the miracle being formed. I don't want to conceive of my life as pastor so functionally that the mystery gets squeezed out of both me and the congregation."

"We always marry the wrong person"

"Destructive to marriage is the self-fulfillment ethic that assumes marriage and the family are primarily institutions of personal fulfillment, necessary for us to become "whole" and happy. The assumption is that there is someone just right for us to marry and that if we look closely enough we will find the right person. This moral assumption overlooks a crucial aspect to marriage. It fails to appreciate the fact that we always marry the wrong person.

"We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being [the enormous thing it is] means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary challenge of marriage is learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married."

- Stanley Hauerwas

It's Not Fair!

"That's not fair!"

Three words my young daughters use fairly frequently to helpfully educate me on my parenting.
My basic response is: no it's not. Get used to it. Life isn't fair.

But I'm curious, where did we get this idea that everything has to be fair? Why do kids instinctively complain about unfairness? And not just kids. People have been whinging about it for eons. Right through the Bible we see people complaining about unfairness. "Why do good things happen to bad people, while I'm here doing the right thing, and it looks like I'm cursed.... That doesn't seem fair."

Actually, I can't find any reference in the Bible where it says things should be fair. Contemplate that for a second.

The fact of the matter is, God has created a world that isn't fair. And I'm not convinced this is a bad thing. Inequality creates some amazing opportunities for love and grace, generosity and sacrifice. It's an opportunity to show people that we care enough to be generous - to give love. And for those on the difficult side of the equation, it's an opportunity to receive love and care.

What kind of painting would it be if the painter only used white? It'd just be a blank canvas, or a sheet of paper. I can buy a 500-pack of those sheets for under $5.

It's all of our differences that bring the colour.

And go with me a little further for a minute....
I think this whole obsession with fairness might be a dangerous one that might be better left behind. If you think about it, God's blessings go far beyond fairness. His generosity is extravagant beyond what we deserve, and as followers of Christ, we should follow his example. We should go far beyond fairness - even beyond the point where we worry that our generosity might be abused or taken for granted - and extravagantly bless people way beyond what they deserve.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this, and possible implications you could see for the world.

Why Pastors Leave

Some stabilising thoughts from Eugene Peterson on why many pastors leave their ministry...

"I wonder if at the root of the defection is a cultural assumption that all leaders are people who 'get things done,' and 'make things happen.' That is certainly true of the primary leadership models that seep into our awareness from the culture - politicians, businessmen, advertisers, publicists, celebrities, and athletes. But while being a pastor certainly has some of these components, the pervasive element in our two-thousand-year pastoral tradition is not someone who 'gets things done' but rather the person placed in the community to pay attention to 'what is going on right now' between men and women, with one another and with God - this kingdom of God that is primarily local, relentlessly personal, and prayerful 'without ceasing.'"

From "The Pastor: A Memoir"

What do you think?

Simple Ideas for Simple Churches

It's not always beneficial to run like a large church.

I preached at a little church recently that had about 15 people in the congregation. If you've ever facilitated a small group in a home, you'll know this is a great size group! You can have some amazing discussions with different perspectives, eat meals together, connect with the kids fairly easily, and build some great friendships along the way.

If they ran it like a small group, this church would have been alive and thriving! But somehow they felt they needed to run it like a traditional large church. They had Sunday morning services, with the pews all set up in rows, notices at the beginning, the correct amount of hymns, and sent the kids (all three of them) out the back to Sunday school while I preached to the rest.

I have no problems with this way of doing things, but is it the best way for a small church?

As a result, this little church felt like they weren't doing a very good job, but the reality is, this group of people is one of the most lovingly unified, generous churches I've ever seen. They really care for one another, and they're giving all they've got to make a positive difference in their local community.

If you're a small church, my advice is: don't try to run like a large church. You don't need to. Make the most of the amazing opportunities you have. Have meals together (a great place to gradually introduce non-church friends to the rest of the group). Get rid of the pews and have multi-perspective discussions instead (rather than hearing from just one person behind a pulpit). Get involved in each others' lives. Care for each other. Enjoy the strong friendships, from the smallest kids to the oldest grandparents - this is so much more difficult to cultivate in larger congregations.

There are HUGE benefits to being a small church. Don't miss out by trying to be something else!

There Are No Scraps of Men

Great talk, and an incredibly worthy idea, by Alberto Cairo, a physiotherapist in Afghanistan.

[Advent Conspiracy] Enter the Story 2011

Check out this one!

Marriages of Tension

Just read this very interesting perspective on marriage by the "Orthodox rabbi and relationship expert" Shmuley Boteach. Thanks Mark Sayers for the quote, from his book The Vertical Self.

Marriages should be based not on trust, but on tension. Not on routine, but on raging emotion. Not on respect, but on jealousy. Not on confidence, but suspicion. Sounds crazy, right? But think of it this way: When you trust that your spouse will never be erotically attracted to a stranger and will never be unfaithful, you start taking him or her for granted. Isn't this really the number-one-killer of marriages? Isn't growing bored and "falling out of love" the most lethal of all marital illnesses? Won't a relationship be doomed if a couple is complacent and smug to the point of not having to work at it anymore?

Franciscan Benediction

Extract from Micah Challenge prayers:

May God bless us with discomfort at easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships, so that we may live deep within our hearts.

May God bless us with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that we may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless us with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation and war, so that we may reach out our hands to comfort them and turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless us with enough foolishness to believe that we can make a difference in this world, so that we can do what others claim cannot be done.

Things I've Learned About Community from Postman Pat

1. Get outside
2. Every problem is everybody's problem - everybody gets involved to help
3. Everyone has different skills - Oh no! Pat's slid down a hill! We need farmer Bob and his tractor! (and the Policeman comes too of course)
4. Children are just as important and needed - "Quick Lucy! Ride to the post office and get farmer Bob! Well done Lucy"
5. Once you've fixed the problem, celebrate together too!
6. Small communities grow better community
7. It takes a village to raise a child - all the adults look after all the kids
8. Enjoy your work, enjoy your community - "Pat thinks he's a really lucky man..."
9. Smile and be friendly to people - "Everybody smiles when he calls to greet them"
10. Deliver things personally - Pat doesn't have to knock on the door or ring the bell, but he does. You get the feeling email doesn't play a huge part in this community

Leaving the Church

Just read a great article written by Micah Smith for Relevant Magazine, commenting on the many many young people who are walking away from church. Read the whole article here if you want to. Here are some of his thoughts...

"There is no shortage of examples in which relationships are critical to the way of Jesus. What happens though, is that when we’re burned by the Church, or when we get exhausted or bored, we flip through scripture and determine that God never endorses a Sunday morning worship service, anyway. “Great,” we think. “I’m off the hook. I can quit this thing and not technically be in any trouble.”

"The problem comes when walking away from the Sunday morning service means walking away from people. From God’s people. From the endless beauty of a common knowledge of a greater good. From people who will serve with you, pray with you, believe in you and fight for you. At the end of the day, the mystery of the Church isn’t a worship song or a sermon. If it is, then sure, walk out of the building, load up your iPod with church podcasts and worship bands, and never look back. But the reality is that sermons and songs aren’t all that you give up when you walk away. You also sacrifice a community of believers.

Sunday Lunches

No Such Thing

Thanksgiving Thoughts from Annie Leonard

"Let's opt out of the frenzy this year.
"Our out-of-control consumption has taken a toll on the planet, on our family budgets, and on workers from FoxConn in China to Walmart in New York. And it has taken a toll on the quality of our lives at home.
"We have more and cooler stuff than our parents and grandparents could have ever imagined, but we pay dearly. We spend more time working and shopping than they did and we spend much less time in leisure, on vacation and with friends. What is the use of a brand new Pottery Barn table if we don't have a gang of friends and neighbors to gather around it?
"If we're going to figure out how to build an economy and society that is healthy for people and the planet, this Friday is a good place to start.
"Let's opt out of Black Friday. Choose family over frenzy."


- Annie Leonard, Choose Family Over Frenzy

David Crowder Band - SMS [Shine]

Here's a very cool song, and a very cool video, from the David Crowder Band. The song is called "Shine."

Sorry

I just realised how arrogant the song "How Great is Our God" might sound if there were any non-Christian people listening, or people from other religions. I've used that song so many times when I've been leading worship, and I hadn't even thought about it in that light until now. I really hope I haven't offended anyone.

It makes me sick to think how many times we've offended people (in any number of different ways) without even knowing it. I really apologize for anything I've done in the past that's been arrogant or insulting. I wish I could apologize directly to the people who've been offended. I'm sure there are probably a few.

The Great Commission

Some encouraging thoughts about mission by Jim Petersen, from his book Lifestyle Discipleship:

"Can you imagine being among the eleven who met with Jesus on that mountain in Galilee after He had risen from the dead? Jesus instructed them to go to all the nations and teach people in those nations everything He had taught them.

"If any of the eleven did any quick math on the spot, they would have wondered if Jesus was serious. He had spent something over three years instructing them. Now He was telling them to repeat what He had done with them among every people on earth!

"Jesus was thinking generations when He gave that command to the eleven. He did not expect them to get to every breathing soul on earth. They would reach some, and these in turn would reach others - until the world would hear....

"Again we have the characteristic pattern of the kingdom at work: low profile, low maintenance, no need for press coverage, just go to people. And they did it.

"It is still the best way. My work has to do with establishing the gospel in places where it hasn't gone or where its voice is weak. The best possible approach to starting something new in a country is to send in a pair of mature, tested couples who will think long-term. They will learn the language and put their roots down. It may take them the rest of their lives before they see fruit that is bearing fruit. That kind of beginning is slow and obscure, but in the long run it will outstrip and outlast any other more gala approach to missions."

Girls and Boys

All the girls are Cinderellas; all the boys are Wendell Sailors. And that may be the problem right there....